“I Don’t Know.”

You can see that something is wrong.

Maybe they're unusually quiet. Maybe there are tears. Maybe they're angry, clingy or simply not themselves.

So you ask:

“What's wrong?”

And they say:

“I don't know.”

It's tempting to ask again.

Did something happen? Are you sad? Did somebody upset you?

But what if, sometimes, “I don't know” really means “I don't know”?

A Thought for Grown-Ups

Even adults don't always understand what we're feeling straight away.

We can spend half a day feeling irritable before realising we're worried. Sometimes we know something feels wrong long before we can explain why.

And we're grown-ups.

For a child, there can be an even bigger distance between feeling something and having the words to explain it.

They may know their tummy feels funny.

They may know they want to cry.

They may know they don't want you to leave.

But they may not yet know whether the feeling is sadness, worry, embarrassment, anger—or several things at once.

So perhaps instead of asking:

“Why won't my child tell me what's wrong?”

we can ask:

“What if my child is feeling something they don't yet know how to explain?”

The behaviour hasn't changed.

Our understanding of the moment has.

Try this tonight

When “What's wrong?” gets an “I don't know,” try asking fewer questions, not more.

You might simply say:

“That's okay. You don't have to know yet.”

Then make it easier.

“Does it feel more like sad, angry, worried... or something else?”

A younger child might point to a face on a feelings chart. Another might prefer to draw, cuddle, sit quietly or come back to the conversation later.

Sometimes the most helpful thing is simply:

“You don't have to tell me right now. I'm here when you're ready.”

We're not giving up on the conversation.

We're giving the child somewhere safe to arrive with the answer.

Something for Little Hands

Our Feelings Chart for Kids can help children find a word when talking feels difficult.

Our new What Helps Me When I Feel...? activity takes the next little step:

What might I be feeling?

and then:

What might help me right now?

No perfect answers. Just another way for a child and grown-up to understand each other.

A Conversation Starter

At a calm moment, try asking:

“When you have a big feeling and don't know how to tell me, what could I do that would help?”

And if the answer is...

“I don't know.”

That's okay too.

You can figure it out together.

From Our Bookshelf

In Leo's Big Feelings, Leo discovers just how big feelings can become.

The story gives children and their grown-ups a gentle place to begin talking about them—without expecting little ones to have all the words straight away.

Because perhaps one of the most reassuring things a child can learn is:

I don't have to understand everything I'm feeling before someone can sit beside me.